Middle Shelf Story: Charles E. Fritch’s “If at First You Don’t Succeed, To Hell with It!”

Puns have gotten a bad rap. True, Samuel Johnson himself dubbed them the lowest form of humor. But it’s more ill use (as groan-worthy punch lines to mediocre jokes) than actual technique that has earned them their unenviable reputation. Case in point is Charles E. Fritch’s “If at First You Don’t Succeed, To Hell with It!” This hilarious little short short marries the humble pun with an equally lowly task -- trying to write one’s way out of the dreaded slush pile.

Editor
MAGAZINE OF FANTASY
Dear Sir,
Enclosed is a short story, Pact with the Devil, for your consideration. A fact which may not surprise you is that it concerns a man who sells his soul to the devil. A fact which may surprise you is that, unlike the stories in your magazine, this one is based on personal experience.

Sincerely,
Peter Piper

MAGAZINE OF FANTASY INTEROFFICE MEMO:
Ed --
Here’s one via the slush pile. Writing’s not bad, but the theme may be too familiar.

Frank

MAGAZINE OF FANTASY INTEROFFICE MEMO:
Frank --
I don’t intend running another pact-with-the-devil story for at least ninety-nine years.

Ed

Peter Piper wants only one thing, namely to sell a story to The Magazine of Fantasy. The problem is that he has to sell a particular kind of story, a kind the editor abhors. When his initial pitch falls flat, he resorts to subterfuge, hiding his narrative's nature behind a multitude of sound-alike names. But it doesn’t sway the editor a wit -- even when he learns that his callousness might have eternal consequences.

From MAGAZINE OF FANTASY:
Dear Mr. Piper,
Sorry, we can’t use the enclosed story. The writing is readable, but once again the problem is the theme. Is there some reason you insist on writing pact-with-the-devil stories?

The Editors

Editor,
MAGAZINE OF FANTASY
Dear Sir,
Funny you should ask. The answer is yes. I have tried to explain it in the enclosed short story, Peter Piper was Picked in the Park for a Pact with the Devil. As you may suspect, it is autobiographical.

Sincerely,
Peter Piper

The puns fly fast and furious, but when it’s all said and done, poor Peter finds himself on the losing end of his literary battle. There’s consolation, though. A final submission to a new publication ends with a delicious dig at editors, one with which frustrated authors everywhere will empathize.

You can read “If at First You Don’t Succeed, To Hell with It!” in 100 Great Science Fiction Short Short Stories or in the August 1972 issue of The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction.